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Every year Time Magazine showcases what they call the Man of the Year. 1966’s Man of the Year was not a single man, or woman. Instead, in the January 6, 1967 issue of Time Magazine the spotlight was directly on those members of society that had become known as the Baby Boomer Generation.

So, who were these people that Time Magazine had chosen to highlight and bring to the forefront of the collective consciousness?

That is not an easy question to answer. Nearly everyone tends to speak about Baby Boomers as if they are a homogeneous entity: nothing could be further from the reality of the situation.

First. let’s take a quick over view of this vast group of people and in another post I will go into depth on some very salient points surrounding Baby Boomers: where they came from, where they are now, and how they got there.

In the United States alone between 77 and 80.6 million people were born between the years of 1946 and 1964. The two years (1946 and 1947) immediately following World War 2 were the two biggest years of births for the Baby Boom Generation. Today, approximately every 7 seconds another “Boomer” turns 50.

These individuals came of age under completely different circumstances than their parents and even their own children. The leading and trailing edge of this generation lived through completely different times, attitudes, and social changes.

Early factors influencing the leading edge included such issues as the reshaping of the American fabric in the aftermath of the Second World War, the rise of the Communist bloc in Eastern Europe and the “Red Scare”, and the advent of the Nuclear Age.

As these first members of this generation were just beginning to come of age, America was again plunged into a war – the Korean conflict. Individuals born midway through this timeframe were just entering early-adolescence when technology brought the death of President Kennedy into their living rooms. This technology went on to bring into Americas living rooms the Vietnam War, man’s first walk on the moon and many other political and social milestones.

For these reasons, the Baby Boomer profile is a something of an enigma: in their adolescence they became fervently idealistic in some of their social views as they set out to change American institutions and social framework. Although they will spend lavishly on goods and services they attempt to recapture the idealism of their youth.

Fanatical in their rejection of labels like “senior” or “older adult”, they actively oppose ageism and will go to great lengths in their pursuit of their perceived lost youth. Terms such as “Encore Generation” and “Mid-life Individual” have become more accepted as these people enter their ‘Second Acts’ of life.

An evening of television, a look through nearly any magazine, or ten minutes of cruising the Internet and you will find an advertisement directed to this demographic. Advancements in technology and medicine have spurred a media onslaught for the pursuit of youth, vitality, body image, and sexual proficiency.

Another enigma of the Baby Boomer profile is that of retirement and working past the careers these individuals pursued for the first half of their lives. Many Baby Boomers often feel pressure to keep working beyond ‘retirement’ while at the same time feeling trapped as they see the financial instrument they had put in place years before losing value and usefulness in providing for them for the remainder of their lives.

Coupled with this need to continue working these people are not satisfied with what they see as meaningless and unfulfilling Encore Careers. In place of these jobs, Baby Boomers are gravitating to careers where they can realize a certain level of inner satisfaction while giving back something to their communities. In many cases this takes the form of teaching, in others, it is exhibited through socially conscious endeavors. Lastly, many Baby Boomers are turning to bringing hobbies to a fuller part of their lives and launching businesses based on their loves of what had here-to-fore been a weekend hobby.

Colleges and universities are now catering to Baby Boomers with programs and curricula specifically designed which allow them to expand beyond ‘taking classes for the fun of it’ to expanding their current skillsets or growing new skillsets for entry into new careers.

When attempting to understand Baby Boomers it is necessary to remember that when the first Baby Boomers were turning nineteen, the last Baby Boomers were just being born. With all that happened in those nineteen years alone – no one, be it a historian, a marketer, a political strategist, or demographer can, with the slightest modicum of success truly say that Baby Boomers are just another homogeneous generation in the history of America, and by extension – the entire world.

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Being self-empowered is to realize that your empowerment resides within you.

Everyone talks about being empowered–just what does that mean?

Empowerment is considered to be made up of five components:

* Your sense of self worth
* Your right to have and determine choices
* Your right to have access to opportunities
* Your right to have the power to control your own life
* Your ability to go outside yourself to influence change in the socio-economic environment in which you live.

Being empowered goes beyond just having control over your own life and destiny; it encompasses a number of interrelated and interdependent factors.

Every time you allow someone or something outside of yourself to provide you with love, success or happiness, you are handing your power over to them. When that love, success, or happiness isn’t made real in your life, they have defeated and dis-empowered you.

Conversely, when you decide to be a self-empowered, loving, caring, person, the success and happiness that you desire will begin to attract the very people, events and milestones that re-enforce your empowered life.

When you understand that you can control what happens to you and to your life, you have taken one of the biggest steps to self-determination and domination of your life and the path you choose to set for yourself.

Regardless of your past or your present, you are in control of your future. And that future just got here.

By learning to empower yourself you learn to bring balance into your life. You will enjoy a life where you are in harmony with yourself and those around you.

Now take a deep breath: Before you think I have gone down a path into the ether–I have not–I am just saying that once you have taken hold of the reins of your life and become a self-empowered person, you will gain a new clarity for what is truly important in your life and what is just so much pablum that you can discard.

That clarity will lead you to making decisions which are in accord with where you want your life to go. At the same time, you will be more cognizant of your actions on others and will be more of an enrichment to their lives.

When you understand the true value of yourself and what you bring to any relationship, you grow; but likewise, so does your partner, and the relationship will be deeper and more meaningful.

When you begin to foster a healthier, more self-empowered image, confident of yourself and your achievements, thoughts and actions–you will…

Know your self-worth and you will begin to think about, plan and prepare your life for everything you envision on your path.

You will choose to take the bold steps needed to awaken yourself to the self-empowered person that is there inside you, step forward and take control of your destiny and enjoy your life!

People develop self-reliance when they’re given the space to solve their problems and make mistakes in the process. Because you have embraced your self-empowerment and all that encompasses, you won’t be so afraid to move out of your comfort zone and try something new.

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“Don’t just drift through your life, instead live it intentionally and on purpose.” Some years ago I came to believe that is one of the most important lessons that a person can learn.

Living YOUR life demands that you pay attention to it and this means that you must make a conscious effort to have a plan for your life.

We live in a fast-paced world and in order not to lose yourself to that hectic, almost out-of-control life, you need both to remember that you are not living in a vacuum, but also to understand the culture that you’re living in is constantly moving and changing.

As you begin living the life you chose, on your terms, you will be required to continuously evaluate the flow of the culture to determine where it is headed, how it is affecting you, and if it is taking you in the direction YOU chose.

To successfully do this, you must examine yourself.
• Get to know and understand who and what you are.
• Get a strong handle on your passions, talents, abilities, and weaknesses.
• This will require precious time and energy on your part to be successful. But, it is one of the most valuable things you can ever do for yourself and those you love.

Living your life certainly requires intentionality. In today’s hectic world this is not a simple task.

To live your life intently, you need to understand that your life is made up of choices – a lot of choices! Every day, we are each faced with a multitude of choices and decisions – even the attitude you will have for the day.

“Your attitude?” Yes, you get to pick your attitude along with the choices of your life! It’s up to you to make the decisions not to let the circumstances of your past negatively determine the pattern of your life in the future. You have a choice in the matter – to be stuck in the same pattern of living that you have been for years, or realize that with every morning comes a new opportunity to live YOUR life.

This is your life – wake up, learn it, live it, love it.

Decide to live your life, not someone else’s idea of how you should live YOUR life!

Oh, and stop comparing your life to anyone else’s. You weren’t born to live their life. There is no sense wasting your life being jealous of theirs. Instead, you were born to live your life – make an intentional choice today to be good at it. After all, this is the only life you get. So many people I know seem to live for the approval of others: dressing and acting a certain way hoping to impress someone. People are not being true to themselves when they do not stand up for their beliefs or… even who they would like to spend their time with… and thus, they are robbing themselves of THEIR life for the approval of someone else.

By not living their life, by not being true to themselves – they will never be happy, nor will they ever truly get the approval they are searching for.

Define your life’s purpose.

There are two days in your life that are head and shoulders more important than any other – the day you were born and the day you understand why. By realizing what the purpose for your life is will help you identify your life’s passion. Write this down. Just doing that will bring new meaning to your life. This will rouse you from your slow death of only going through the motions of living.

Know your dreams and consciously choose to make them real in your life.

In doing this, you will develop a set of goals for making these dreams real. You will soon find that just writing your goals down makes them more significant for you. Your goals will shape you and move you forward to set new and bigger goals. By setting goals that are directly in line with your life’s purpose, they re-enforce that purpose for your life.

Remaining focused becomes a number one priority in your life.

In this ever-changing world there seems to be every possible distraction out there begging for our attention nearly every moment of the day. It’s time to turn off those distractions and start living your life instead.

I understand the pull of TV: I grew up in a very rural area in New Mexico back when there were 3 channels and they were broadcast over open airwaves. In the mountains there, reception was non-existent… so, no TV. To this day I truly love to just let myself submerge into a day of mindless TV (I must add that my wife hates this). Does releasing your mind to this do you any good – sometimes yes – if this is where you find your escape and relaxation, but only for a short while.

Why did I tell you this? To let you know that is good to sit back and mindlessly relax sometimes. But, let’s be real – all TV does (with very few exceptions) is rob you of time and energy that could be better spent living intentionally. Turn off the TV, turn off the distractions and live your life instead.

The worst thing you could ever do is to waste your life.
• Decide to live your life for yourself
• Define your purpose: this will tell you who and what you are and guide you
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Set goals: and reward yourself for achieving them!
• Stay focused and don’t fall prey to all the distractions that surround you

Basically, it’s time to start living your life based on choice and commitment not circumstance and playing the “hand that you are dealt”.

You do have the power to control what you want, your dreams, and your goals so exercise that power and start living your life.

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In the years after World War II America saw a massive increase in births in such magnitude that even as late as 2005 these people represent about 29 percent of the population. This meant that there were approximately 76 million people between 41 and 59 years old in the U.S..

The people who make up this generation were almost instantly known as the Baby Boomer Generation.

Today these people are nearing or have entered retirement age. The issue is that they either don’t want to retire or see their retirement as something more than a life of unencumbered leisure. Now, instead of being known as the Baby Boom Generation, these people are now becoming known as the Encore Generation.

These people are:
• Still healthy and active – physically, socially, and sexually
• Eager to bring years of knowledge and experience to new endeavor or lifestyle
• Willing to work in opportunities they see as chances to give back to society

The down side is that they may want to enjoy all that is available to them… they just don’t know how to go about realizing those goals…

Many people find that living a fulfilled life in retirement is frequently very difficult. “Why is that?” you may ask – well, the answer really is quite simple: for all of their working years, they were very heavily invested in their careers, their spouse’s and children’s lives.

Not everyone who gets to their fifties or sixties and knows exactly what it is that they want to do with the rest of their life. How many people do you know that are bored out of their minds within months of retiring because either they never REALLY planned for it, or they had invested so much of their life into their career that they don’t have any other interests…?

Sad isn’t it – someone gets to the time in their life where they have the time, are still healthy enough, and can afford to do whatever they want – they just don’t have any idea of WHAT they would like to do…?

Does this sound familiar? You might have been saving for retirement, but you never took time to plan exactly WHAT you were going to do in retirement.

So here you are: the kids have grown up and moved out to live their lives, you may (and I sincerely hope that this is not the case) be single again, and you have all this time on your hands with nothing to do with it.

You are still healthy and active, you know that there is a great big world out there but you just don’t know what you want to.

Trust me, I hear this quite often.
“I put in 30 years in that plant… What do I want to do? I dunno… never really thought about it.”
“I spent 30 years at XYZ working my way to be Regional Manager and didn’t consider anything else.”
“I worked 25 years to be the very best cop I could be… now what?”
“My husband and I put in 25 years working to build this business up from scratch… it’s all we had and now… I’m still, well, you know – I’m not too old to enjoy life, but it’s been 30 years since I was on a date.”

I could go on and on of the stories I have heard of people our age (yes, I am a Baby Boomer too) lamenting the fact that they are sometimes without a real vision for their lives. Listening to these people, people who probably have never experienced the feeling of being adrift in their lives – I help them understand what their purpose in life is.
Together we work to find a vision for them – sometimes it is a re-invention of them, other times it can take the form of simply going back and re-invigorating something from their past.

On the other side of the coin they may have lives so cluttered that they have become so overwhelmed and lost their bearings because of all the stressors and entanglements in their lives. Working to set realistic goals and agendas, I help them prioritize their lives.
If you are a member of the Baby Boomer/Encore Generation and would like to discuss how you would like to live the live you want and desire (even if you don’t know just what that life looks like), write me and let’s get started on your Encore Life!

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Encore career, or second-act career, are terms that are becoming more and more used as a vast number of Baby Boomers are moving past the careers they’ve had for years. In fact, according to a 2008 MetLife survey, “more than 5 million people ages 44 to 70 had begun encore careers”.

These are new careers, and a lot of the time, these new “encore careers” are ones Baby Boomers have chosen for themselves, and in many instances it is because these careers provide what their previous ones did not.

More often than not, someone will choose an encore career to fulfill a inner desire of public service and giving back to society. A lot of Baby Boomers who have switched their careers in mid-life will announce proudly that the primary reason for their switch was based on their wanting to do something positive for the world.

Self-fulfillment, excitement, actually providing something other than a paycheck to those around them… the satisfaction of doing something they LIKE to do, not what is expected of them. These people want to learn new skills, change how and maybe where they live. Basically speaking, after years of waiting – they are wanting to finally pursue their dreams.

For a long time, the average 50 to 60 year old American saw retirement as a leisurely ride to their Golden Years. After they had worked at one company for 30 years, they got a retirement party, some memento commemorating their service to the corporation, and a pat on the back.

Then they traveled about for a while, seeing the kids and grandchildren, sightseeing… until they got tired and went back to their homes and a sedentary lifestyle. Fun for a while, but when they got home, they didn’t know what to do with their time or their energies.

Things are rapidly moving away from that – Baby Boomers are realizing that even though their work lives and personal responsibilities have changed; they are still fit, still fully energized, still looking to make a difference, and they are asking, “What and how can I do to something that actually has some meaning?”

They want jobs that supply more than simply an income, they’re looking for careers with meaning. And why not – considering they will very possibly be doing them another ten to twenty years?

These Baby Boomers have never been had a shortage of imagination, ambition, or passion for change – whether that was social or entrepreneurial. These people may be starting afresh in their new career choices but they bring decades of experience to these new chosen fields.

Now, these Baby Boomers are retiring and they are reinventing what it means to ‘retire’. It means that they are carrying some of that 60’s attitude of wanting to change their lives and the world forward to today and transforming what it means to be aging in today’s world.

You might be reading this and asking yourself, “Ok, now what?”. Today is not too late to begin thinking about what it is that makes you happy and how you can use that for a career that you really enjoy – a career that leaves you excited every night when you go to bed knowing that when you get up, you get to go do whatever it is that you want to do.

If you are interested in a second-act or encore career, you might look into:

• Researching fields you’re interested in and finding people who do the same work.
• Going out and conducting information interviews.
• Check out sites such as VocationVacation which allow you to experiment with something you might be interested in without making a life-changing plunge.
• There are a wide range of encore career sites on the Internet which offer career networking opportunities. A lot of the time, they also provide links to community colleges across the country that have retraining programs for people wanting to break into a new career.
• By attending community events or conferences for the industry you are looking at you can talk to the people already there and get insights and a better feel for your new encore career.
• Locate and read trade publications and blogs for your chosen industry. These are always a great source of information and will also give you a sense of what is going on in the industry.
• After all that, take time to assess whether you need to update your skills. There are some industries where what you know will make you the perfect fit. There are other industries where you might be looking at a 10 years learning entry timeframe.
• By turning their hobbies into businesses many Baby Boomers take their enjoyment they gain from their hobby to the next level and create thriving businesses for themselves.
• Others are taking the decades of expertise and knowledge gained in their former careers and using that in mentoring young business people through programs designed for just that purpose (SCORE being the most famous).
o Something that a lot of people don’t consider when thinking about mentoring is the vast difference they can make through their church – these avenues to help are sometimes overlooked and nearly every Pastor and Priest will welcome your assistance with open arms.

Working with a Life or Transitions Coach will assist you in keeping you grounded, and at the same time will keep you focused on your goal with accountability, cheerleading, and reframing some of the bumps along your journey to change.

There was a time when people would look to Harland Sanders, Mary Kay Ash, and Ray Kroc as example of the extraordinary – people who had started over later in life and become extremely successful. Not anymore! Now, people in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’, even into their 70’s are redefining their lives and beginning new careers and lives for themselves.

While altruism is one of the major reasons for entering into an encore career, there can also be a financial motivation. Some seniors look at the economic times we are in and worry about the amount of their benefits, or want to ensure that they are covered by good health insurance. Others may not have enough retirement benefits to make full retirement an option, so they seek out a career which will support them into old age.

Whether it is due to the sluggish economic times or because you want to make a difference, give back something, or explore new vistas – Baby Boomers are not looking at retirement as a time to settle back, drive 55 in the fast lane, or visit every KOA campground in ten states.

While they may still take time to quietly work in their gardens, go places they always dreamt of, and take life at a little less hectic pace – Baby Boomers are looking at the ‘Second Act’ or ‘Encore Career’ as being what they WANT to do, not have to do.

What are some of the things you would like to do? Think about it and give me a call. We can start working on what you want to do when you grow up.

http://vocationvacations.com/
http://www.score.org/index.html
http://www.mentoring.org/
http://www.faithmentoringandmore.com/html/articles/idea_20.htm

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It seems that lately society has taken the attitude that we should chronicle the progressive deterioration of our older citizens.

Why is it that we do this instead of examining aging thoroughly, vigorously, and with the same imagination used to scrutinize our youth and young adults?

Young people are often portrayed as more attractive, more glamorous, more…whatever. But, are they?

Let me tell you – my wife is in her early 60’s and she is attractive, glamorous and certainly more interesting than most young people I can think of. And , she is more the norm than the exception. She will, however, make me sleep on the couch for the next twelve years if I tell her actual age, so I won’t be doing that in this public forum.

Yes, there are some people my age – 55 – who I would rather talk to a dead stump than try to engage in a conversation with, meaningful or otherwise. But for the most part I find that people who have thrown down a few decades of experiences have something to add to my knowledge bucket, and I can return that favor.

Lets get real here. It took a lot more than talent, dogged perseverance, and sheer blind luck for us to get to this point. There was some building on the education we were given, but, aside from that, there was the understanding that we were expected to succeed. To fulfill that expectation, we had to put all our talents, skills, knowledge and determination together and make something of ourselves.

Well, we did! We are now looking around and asking “We got here, now what do we do?”

I read somewhere recently that part of aging well was eating all the correct foods, taking the correct vitamins and supplements, and going to the doctor regularly, and so forth. Only as a meager little note at the bottom of the article did the idea of attitude come up.

You gotta be kidding!

Attitude is what makes or breaks anything, and that goes triple for getting a few decades under your belt.

Some of us took Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer to heart and understood that there are some things we could change and to accept with serenity the things we cannot. Pick your battles, if you will. Some didn’t quite get that, and developed resentments instead of allowing forgiveness to replace some of those old hurts and letdowns. Forgiveness that would have led to successfully aging and enjoying the wonderful years ahead by understanding how to have fun and enjoy life.

Simply put: if you have a sour attitude, you aren’t going to enjoy your senior years. If you go through life trying to get the “Attitudie-Judy” or Attitudie-Rudy” awards, just how much are you really going to enjoy these years?

I remember having a middle-school teacher who liked to tell her students that we needed to up our attitudes sometimes. There are some of us who need to take a look around at all there is out there in life, up their attitudes, reach out for that brass ring, and truly enjoy life.

Do you know which is a better predictor of a positive aging experience at 80 – low cholesterol or a good marriage at age 50? A good marriage.

Yes, it’s a good thing to take care of your physical well-being, but it’s been proven over and over – your mental health, your positive attitude, and your good humor are actually more important. How many times have you met someone who begins dwelling on how badly they feel and before long they have talked themselves into a bout of bad health?

Take a minute to think of just how good it feels to be alive, to be able to enjoy life and look forward to each new day and all the opportunities it has to offer. This is no time to dwell on the past. Just smile and say, “Look out world, I’ve upped my attitude! Now up yours!”

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Happy Anniversary to…Empowered Transitions!

This year has passed so quickly – and what a year it has been!

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my clients as we journey together on your various paths. We have accomplished much, and we will accomplish even more as we craft the future you dream of. I am proud and humbled to be your trusted partner.

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
Epictetus

Visit the Empowered Transitions Website

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Did you make New Year resolutions, but now, after just a few weeks found that you had lost the motivation and willpower to continue with them?

Don’t feel bad – we’ve all done it. Whether it was a major life-changing resolution or something as simple as remembering to always hang your keys on their respective hooks when you come home, sometimes we need help to inspire us, guide us, and hold us accountable to ourselves and our commitments.

When was the last time you made a New Year’s resolution and realized that it was more than you could handle? Within the last few weeks? What did you do then? Have you gone back and broken it down into manageable parts or did you become overwhelmed with all that it entailed and let it go by the wayside?

Like lots of us, you probably became discouraged by the daunting wall of your resolutions and said “…next year…”

What if your New Year’s resolution this year was simply to not always be so overwhelmed by everything in your life? How would you go about uncluttering and organizing our life to this end? Take a minute and think about how it would be so much easier if you knew what were a Priority One things that you can’t do without, and what would go into the bucket that you’re not going to miss.

Now that a month has gone by, go back and think about the resolutions you chose this year; take a piece of paper and re-write them. As you do this re-write, take a long look at just what it will take to make them real. List your motivations and inspirations for each of them. Think about how they will honor you and your life. List the resources and time each of them will require, and any obstacles to achieving these resolutions.

With these few short answers in your hand, you now have a visual, tangible idea of what it is that you want to accomplish, know with clarity why you chose them, and what it will take to achieve your goal!

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When was the last time someone really listened to you – to what YOU had to say, to how YOU felt about something?

When was the last time YOU listened to someone, paid rapt attention to what they were saying so that they knew that you were paying attention to their every word?

When you truly listen to that other person, the level of your conversation is elevated, and both participants come away with a deeper understanding of what was said.

The art of communication involves both talking and listening, not just hearing the words that the other person is saying but the true intention of what they wanting to convey.

The skill of being a good and patient listener will help you in solving a great many problems in your life. By being able to understand what others are thinking and feeling – seeing the world through their eyes – you will gain a new richness for your own life.

You first must understand that listening is a skill, and like all skills, it has to be learned and practiced for someone to become good at it. We are ecstatic when we hear our children’s first words and we work very hard to make sure they have a rich and wide vocabulary. But we don’t teach them to truly listen – so it really isn’t a surprise that most people are not very good at genuinely listening to what is being told to them.

Most people do not understand that there is a difference between listening and waiting for their turn to speak. Just because they hear what is being said, doesn’t mean they are listening or that they even know how to listen.

Listening is about focusing and actively paying attention to what is being said. When someone asks, “Are you listening to me?” what they are really asking is, “Are you paying attention to me?”

To truly listen to what someone is saying goes beyond merely paying attention to the words they are speaking; it is the active pursuit of understanding and finding the true meaning in what is being said.

Being a “good listener” is a skill that requires practice, but it will give someone who is a “good listener” a huge advantage in all aspects of their lives.

When someone who is a “good listener” engages in a conversation, they make people “feel” heard. The people they are speaking with trust them to be someone who really understands their wants, needs and desires. There is a very good reason for the person to believe this: a “good listener” really does care about them, what they have to say, and will ask questions to fully understand what the person is telling them.

Because initially it can be next to impossible to perfectly understand what someone truly wants or needs; a “good listener” will look for ways to clarify what is being said. They will employ a vast array of tools at their disposal to dig for a deeper understanding of the speaker’s true meanings and needs.

• Keep quiet and let the other person talk.
• Notice the person’s tone of voice, mannerisms, manner of speaking, accent and habits.
• Respond with probing and empowering questions, gestures, and words that demonstrate that they are not only paying attention but also wanting more information.
• Give visual encouragement to the speaker – such as facing the speaker, offering eye contact, and offering an occasional mild head nod.
• In the role of an impartial observer, they work to understand how he or she feels, and what they are thinking.
• Free of preconceptions and prejudices they will listen with an open mind and an open heart

How can you become a “good listener”?

First, whether it is a conversation with your spouse, your child, a co-worker, or a casual conversation with a stranger – hold that time and space for them. Let them know that this is their time and you are not going to let interruptions detract from it. In today’s hectic culture this will mean so much to the person and will make them understand THEY are the center of your attention.

By being free of preconceptions and prejudices, you will be able to listen with an open mind and an open heart and concentrate completely on your speaker and what they are saying. By being non-judgmental, your speaker will understand that you really do care and are truly interested in what they have to say. When they understand that you are not going to judge them they will be more open with you.

Stop talking and learn to be quiet. This is one of the biggest obstacles to listening: the impulse to add your input. This is where you push aside your own agenda and views of what they are talking about, and wait for them to open up at their own pace. Remember, this is about THEM, not you, so let them know this by letting them get whatever it is out and off their chest. Quite often your speaker will feel a greater freedom and be more forthcoming or revealing if they are given the chance to compose their thoughts and talk out what it is that’s concerning them.

This is not to say that you don’t interrupt. You may have to in order to keep them focused and allow you to get a true understanding of the issues they are wanting to talk about.

A “good listener” will have to break in with a question to clarify a point in their mind and in so doing, bring a new clarity to their speaker. A simple summary or rephrasing of what your speaker has said will move your conversation forward and allow them to again understand that you are listening to them and what they have to say. They will ask open-ended questions which are meant to probe to the heart of the issue and bring the speaker to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised.

Sometimes during the conversation, it may necessary to summarize and/or reframe what your speaker has said. By summarizing what they have said and reframing it in your own words, your speaker will understand that you have truly been listening to them. This will also provide them an opportunity to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions that may have come up during the course of the conversation. Another tool a “good listener” regularly employs is that of repeating what the speaker has said and encouraging them with positive feedback. Just don’t overdo it because if you do it may be mistaken as patronizing your speaker.

Being a “good listener” is being about your speaker. Your point of view and experiences do not need to come into the conversation, neither does any (no matter how relevant) your advice. If you find yourself thinking of responses before the other person has finished speaking, you are not listening to them.

Being a good listener is important in any relationship. If you communicate well with each other, you will have much less misunderstanding, hurt feelings and arguments. When people see you as someone they can come to, not just as a shoulder to lean on, but as the person who cares about them, everyone will benefit through their shared knowledge, compassion, and enriched lives.

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