Why Am I Talking and not Listening?

When was the last time someone really listened to you – to what YOU had to say, to how YOU felt about something?

When was the last time YOU listened to someone, paid rapt attention to what they were saying so that they knew that you were paying attention to their every word?

When you truly listen to that other person, the level of your conversation is elevated, and both participants come away with a deeper understanding of what was said.

The art of communication involves both talking and listening, not just hearing the words that the other person is saying but the true intention of what they wanting to convey.

The skill of being a good and patient listener will help you in solving a great many problems in your life. By being able to understand what others are thinking and feeling – seeing the world through their eyes – you will gain a new richness for your own life.

You first must understand that listening is a skill, and like all skills, it has to be learned and practiced for someone to become good at it. We are ecstatic when we hear our children’s first words and we work very hard to make sure they have a rich and wide vocabulary. But we don’t teach them to truly listen – so it really isn’t a surprise that most people are not very good at genuinely listening to what is being told to them.

Most people do not understand that there is a difference between listening and waiting for their turn to speak. Just because they hear what is being said, doesn’t mean they are listening or that they even know how to listen.

Listening is about focusing and actively paying attention to what is being said. When someone asks, “Are you listening to me?” what they are really asking is, “Are you paying attention to me?”

To truly listen to what someone is saying goes beyond merely paying attention to the words they are speaking; it is the active pursuit of understanding and finding the true meaning in what is being said.

Being a “good listener” is a skill that requires practice, but it will give someone who is a “good listener” a huge advantage in all aspects of their lives.

When someone who is a “good listener” engages in a conversation, they make people “feel” heard. The people they are speaking with trust them to be someone who really understands their wants, needs and desires. There is a very good reason for the person to believe this: a “good listener” really does care about them, what they have to say, and will ask questions to fully understand what the person is telling them.

Because initially it can be next to impossible to perfectly understand what someone truly wants or needs; a “good listener” will look for ways to clarify what is being said. They will employ a vast array of tools at their disposal to dig for a deeper understanding of the speaker’s true meanings and needs.

• Keep quiet and let the other person talk.
• Notice the person’s tone of voice, mannerisms, manner of speaking, accent and habits.
• Respond with probing and empowering questions, gestures, and words that demonstrate that they are not only paying attention but also wanting more information.
• Give visual encouragement to the speaker – such as facing the speaker, offering eye contact, and offering an occasional mild head nod.
• In the role of an impartial observer, they work to understand how he or she feels, and what they are thinking.
• Free of preconceptions and prejudices they will listen with an open mind and an open heart

How can you become a “good listener”?

First, whether it is a conversation with your spouse, your child, a co-worker, or a casual conversation with a stranger – hold that time and space for them. Let them know that this is their time and you are not going to let interruptions detract from it. In today’s hectic culture this will mean so much to the person and will make them understand THEY are the center of your attention.

By being free of preconceptions and prejudices, you will be able to listen with an open mind and an open heart and concentrate completely on your speaker and what they are saying. By being non-judgmental, your speaker will understand that you really do care and are truly interested in what they have to say. When they understand that you are not going to judge them they will be more open with you.

Stop talking and learn to be quiet. This is one of the biggest obstacles to listening: the impulse to add your input. This is where you push aside your own agenda and views of what they are talking about, and wait for them to open up at their own pace. Remember, this is about THEM, not you, so let them know this by letting them get whatever it is out and off their chest. Quite often your speaker will feel a greater freedom and be more forthcoming or revealing if they are given the chance to compose their thoughts and talk out what it is that’s concerning them.

This is not to say that you don’t interrupt. You may have to in order to keep them focused and allow you to get a true understanding of the issues they are wanting to talk about.

A “good listener” will have to break in with a question to clarify a point in their mind and in so doing, bring a new clarity to their speaker. A simple summary or rephrasing of what your speaker has said will move your conversation forward and allow them to again understand that you are listening to them and what they have to say. They will ask open-ended questions which are meant to probe to the heart of the issue and bring the speaker to reach their own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised.

Sometimes during the conversation, it may necessary to summarize and/or reframe what your speaker has said. By summarizing what they have said and reframing it in your own words, your speaker will understand that you have truly been listening to them. This will also provide them an opportunity to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions that may have come up during the course of the conversation. Another tool a “good listener” regularly employs is that of repeating what the speaker has said and encouraging them with positive feedback. Just don’t overdo it because if you do it may be mistaken as patronizing your speaker.

Being a “good listener” is being about your speaker. Your point of view and experiences do not need to come into the conversation, neither does any (no matter how relevant) your advice. If you find yourself thinking of responses before the other person has finished speaking, you are not listening to them.

Being a good listener is important in any relationship. If you communicate well with each other, you will have much less misunderstanding, hurt feelings and arguments. When people see you as someone they can come to, not just as a shoulder to lean on, but as the person who cares about them, everyone will benefit through their shared knowledge, compassion, and enriched lives.

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